they told me not to,

not to like you,

not to text you,

not to see you,

not to have hope;

they say i’m undervalued by you.

deep down i know,

so i gave you the knife,

that could tear down my hope

but damn,

you could not do so;

and i feel guilty,

for making you the bad person,

with such a beautiful soul.

do not doubt your ability to see good in people

just because they suck.

i gave too many fucks to people in my entire life,

that do not give a damn about me when i am being kind.

so from now on

i will stop giving two fucks.

and please brace yourself,

for i am ready to thrive,

and i will shine so bright,

that makes you all go blind.

i hate this feeling.

the feeling that liking you makes me happy,

the feeling that seeing you is exciting,

the feeling that missing you makes me tingling.

i wish it hurts,

i wish it makes me desperate.

for you are like mini doses of dopamine,

that thinking about you makes me happy,

and when i am happy i think of you unstoppably.

they say love is like poison,

damn you are so toxic.

i once thought great writers rise from desperation,

i am so glad that i am a poet,

for great poets rise in love.

they say true love is

not to have the person you love

but to water them.

hell,

i just realized i can grow a whole forest.

relationship comes in different forms,

i wish we were

on a ship so big that is called Titanic.

: my favorite color is purple.

: i don’t see you wearing purple a lot.

「because i like to keep my favorite thing private.」

i am so consistent.

i am so consistent that

our first date (was that even a date? maybe not i don’t care)

was at my favorite restaurant,

and my favorite boba place.

i ordered the same dish,

and the same jasmine green milk tea.

you asked

: aren’t jasmine tea and green tea the same thing?

「well we are the same ethnically but have different nationality (?)」

but you know what,

i wish we could work out just like the jasmine green milk tea,

for i like jasmine,

and you’re my cup of tea.

i always tell myself,

that if i want something,

i am going to get it.

if i don’t get it,

maybe i don’t want it bad enough.

but you’re different.

i want you so bad,

that i am willing to let go this time,

and not to look back.

i know you did not do anything on purpose,

i know you are just being yourself.

yet i still fell,

for i find everything you do makes my heart melt.

i’m sorry for criticizing

what you’re wearing,

what you’re doing,

whether you eat,

and how many hours you sleep.

because there is no where else for me

to know you a little bit more

by asking these question

without being mean.

so you will not find out,

how much you mean to me.

i saw what was coming,

but i still went for it.

i did not do it because of you,

i did it because of me:

for a good night sleep,

for a mind that’s in peace.

because if i had not,

i would still suffer and bleed.

wait, what is on my face?

oh,

i think my eyes just sweat.

but you know what?

it was me,

who wanted to see you,

who wanted to hear you,

who wanted to hug you,

who wanted all this.

so that is fine,

i am a grown ass adult,

and i will take the responsibility.

i thought it would hurt,

but all i had was gratefulness;

i thank god for letting me to experience this,

for i am humbled for love.

and i am grateful that it was you,

who made me feel secured enough to get myself hurt.

i have so many more things to tell you,

so many pickup lines that i haven’t used.

but guess what,

i wish someday,

you will meet someone who will put you in my shoes.

i did not apply to Stanford so that they will accept me;

and you said “it doesn’t hurt to try.”

i carried this thought when i confessed to you.

i know,

karma’s a bitch, right?

: what do you like to do for fun?

: sleep (?)

: if you miss the last bus, i don’t have an extra bed.

: well, i can sleep on the floor (?)

「well floor is a whole lot of fun.」

on boba tea

on silence

on memory