on memory
i want to know.
what you read, what you think,
what music you are listening;
i don’t care whether i will be able to understand.
for if i want to,
i will try so hard because
i want to know you more
on a different level,
on a deeper level,
even if it means relearning the language that i struggle.
“you seem like a whole lot of fun.
unfortunately,
i am a whole lot of fun too;
so i’d rather stay with someone
who’s a little boring,
but super cool.”
it doesn’t really matter,
all the little things you do;
it’s you, just you,
that makes a difference.
: is this physics?
: no, just some engineering stuff.
: i didn’t know whose bag this is so i was just kinda holding onto it.
: well everyone is going home so it’s not like there’s a lot of handsome guys to look at.
: well you’ll only see more nerds later.
「i know. you’re one of them. i was just looking for an excuse to see you.」
: why are you so late?
: my friend sneaked me into an event
: just finished studying with some friends
: just finished an event
: you’re late too
: owh my bus got delayed so i had to wait
「i thought if i got lucky enough i’d probably run into you so i came all the way back to use the bathroom.」
“bye.”
「when will i see you next time?」
「okay god i tried hard and we went out for dinner, so let’s just stop it here.」
「god please stop making us running into each other, for i feel like every time i fall deeper and i need to stop because right now i am scared, i am hurt, i do not want to and have no hope for love.」
「owh look there’s a cute guy maybe i can move on, he’s totally my type.」
: what are those?
: i bought some shoes but i realized i’m broke so i need to return them.
「god you’re kidding me why would it be him.」
they say what you love
might not be a good fit for you;
you know what actually
i wear oversized.
my dream is to open a stationery store.
it’s not gonna make profit they said.
well the earth does not stop spinning
simply because you have a bad day.
so ima leave the door open,
until someone sees its worth one day.
when i was little,
i dreamed to be cinderella;
because i love gus, and her pumpkin car.
i also wished one day
the prince will find his way to me,
through my story full of scars.
but now,
i stop waiting.
because i saw him,
in a sky full of stars;
that makes me realize
i want to be the sunshine
that shines everyday,
just in case he needs it one day.
: do you read?
: i used to.
: do you play games?
: i used to.
: do you do sports or go to gym?
: i used to.
: do you cook?
: i used to.
「do i believe in love? i used to. but now, i guess i’m more used to you.」
i speak so many languages,
for example,
when i say “i see you”
i speak Kazakh.
: i’m looking for an internship.
: ?
: to be a cupid.
「so i can shoot my love right through you.」
: do you need help?
: nope i got it.
「here is something you can help: i just need you to sit next to me on the 36, that itself already makes me happy;
just seeing you is exciting.」
you said you can’t wait to
get the hell out of Berkeley.
what am i gonna do,
for everything else here is so boring,
and you’re the only thing that i find interesting.
you said the worst case scenario
my crush is just going to say no.
unfortunately he is someone
who is really bad at saying no;
and you haven’t said so.
i tell bad jokes
because your smile makes them so good
that i would never think twice
before telling you the next one.
i cannot care less
if it is going to work out.
for it is on you that i have never had a doubt.
i just want to tell everyone
about you because
“look i found a treasure!”
: do you feel loved?
: to some degree, yeah (?)
「well i want to love you all the way through that next time you don’t have to hesitate and just say “yeah.”
or you know what, maybe more like a “hell fucking yeah.”」
it’s a gift and a curse,
that i have such a good memory.
i guess it’s because
you have a memory span shorter than a gold fish,
that even god cannot stand it
so he sent you me.
but god,
i think i am not what he needs;
and it’s painful for me to remember everything
about us since the beginning.
: you shouldn’t have to cook.
「 i know, but this might be our last meal together so i hope it can end better.」
: what are you doing?
「oh gosh i don’t know what else to say i could have thought of a better opening jc damn it.」
: uh ok never mind you’re so boring.
「fuck he is so cute even when he’s grinding.」
you know i hope one day,
if you found her
do not let her slip away.
because not everyone else is
as dumb and naive as me
that would have faith and wait.
: do you get bored? like do you feel lonely?
: yeah but you will get used to it (?)
「well i’m lonely so from now on you better get used to me.」
all relationships come to an end,
what matters is
at least there were some good time we spent.
you don’t like bureaucracy,
i don’t like politics.
「how about let’s just hide in the forest and see stars?」
sometimes i’m jealous of due dates.
because i want to be chased after by you,
like the way you chase them.
: you know i always have this tingling feeling every time before i see you.
: you should go see a doctor.
: sure, i will come back when you get your PhD.
a firm no would have hurt less
than a hesitant yes.
i’d rather be the person that you feel comfortable to say no to,
than the person that makes you always say yes.
they warned that
women should not undersell ourselves and chase after men.
well screw all that.
i’m done sitting around and waiting for them;
for i always love the kind that
never makes a move other than just secretly stares.
and they will be done
once i stare back.
“don’t confess,
at least you can still be friends.”
well, pardon me;
do i look like i’m lack of friends,
that i have to let this man sacrifice the chance
to be someone special in my life,
and just be a “friend?”
i’d rather suffer the short pain of being rejected,
than the chronic pain of the so-called friendship between us.
