on love

a year ago, you were so close;

a year ago, i fell for you.

i fell so hard i am still trying to heal.

it was not love, perhaps

it was just

illusion, projection, obsession, imagination,

and so many more explanation

on love.

or reflection.

where i saw myself,

through the way

you talked,

you laughed,

and the way you struggled

every night i questioned;

i asked god or the so-called universe

to stop me from falling in love.

i was so hurt,

i was so torn,

i was so scarred

from the previous love.

i told the universe:

i don’t want to love.

i am a coward.

i don’t want to fall in love again.

because this time,

i am not sure if i can bear the pain.

yet i ran into you,

again and again.

though million times i prayed,

yet my prayers were not heard.

i wonder why i was called

stupid, naive, and absurd

simply because i loved a man

who was bearing the same suffer.

don’t men want to be loved too?

i wonder.

after all we are just bare human

that craves love and attention.

don’t we all carry a heart

with few scars from the past,

hoping to be held

gently by someone’s hands?

can i ever love again?

even if i am not perfect,

even if i am perhaps an angel

that has fallen to this wonderland.

do i not deserve a bit of love,

just a tiny bit in return?

can i still love?

i am tired of being a coward.

but i wonder,

how much courage i have left

to let me love again.

in silence, i wipe my tears.

hoping to never see you again, my dear.