on recklessness
“oh my darling if you try,
you just might kiss the sky.”
you know you are my weakness,
for whenever i am in front of you,
i feel a sense of peace
that makes me so mentally naked.
but i can’t,
because i am a bird with no legs.
so i had to get you out of the way,
though it means to crush all the stories we had til this day.
one of the most valuable lessons i have learned from my dad that makes me regret so much yet cannot agree with him more:
「trust your guts and have balls.」
i know this is the second time i am writing this but i don’t give a shit.
because no matter how many times i am saying it,
it doesn’t really kick in until you start doing it.
i was once so desperate,
going to bed hoping tomorrow won’t come,
so i wouldn’t have to,
wouldn’t have to try staying alive so hard.
but now i start looking forward to tomorrow,
many, many tomorrows;
and you make me look forward to it even more,
knowing that there is a you in this world.
「oh it’s safe where you are,
but safe only gets you so far.
what if you look your fears,
right in the eyes,
say you’ll see them another time.
…
oh my darling if you try,
you just might kiss the sky.」— Kiss the Sky, The Wild Robot
my dear, my dear, remember:
not everyone who judges you is a judge who went to law school,
and the ones who did are too busy to judge you.
yea i just yap whatever i want because you never know if one day it’s going to be included for the reading comprehension on the textbook in the future.
so for the kids’ convenience,
the more cringe it is, the easier to remember.
oh because i have been there and those who wrote easy stuff were my favorite poets.
love watching musicals because they are the only thing that always work when it comes to reminding me that life is wonderful.
wonder if one day i can be part of it tho.
i don’t know if this is normal,
even though it has been weeks
since we last talked,
i still smile when i think of
us having dinner sitting on the floor.
do you practice dark magic?
cuz usually i’d hurt so bad
that i’d need months to heal back.
but this time it’s so weird,
for not only i’m not hurt,
but gained even more confidence.
fuck i thought i could get you out of the way,
by letting you to tell me “no” straight to my face
but damn,
it looks like you are now engraved
on my heart that always skips a beat
whenever i think of your face.
they say communication is key,
but no one ever mention that
a keyhole has to first exist.
it’s all about perspective.
since when we hide our vulnerabilities,
fear that people might take benefits.
but to build connections that are real and deep,
we all have to open up to some degree.
how would you know if they are the right people,
when all this time you have been so shallow;
you whine that they could not peak through your soul,
and everyone around you is superficial.
now you’re part of that poor little circle,
because you let yourself do so.
you know you don’t have to agree with me right,
because even myself change my mind sometimes.
but this is me,
what i’m thinking,
right here, right now;
so i have to write them down
for i don't know when my last moment will come.
but if there’s one thing i want to leave behind,
it’d be my sensibility,
my insanity,
and my sassiness at the same time.
sorry that was three actually.
again, i needed that one last kick;
and you did a good job on that shit.
no, this is not a criticism,
it’s actually a compliment.
cuz i realized how all this time i have been judging you,
because of my selfishness;
so now i will change it up,
and tell you how wonderful you are.
and i asked for that kick,
because i myself could not do it.
you know all this time,
i have been saying how good to be by your side;
but i never really know,
if you feel the same when you are by mine.
that’s why i asked,
if you feel comfortable around me,
even though i am sometimes cringe and silly,
because when i am with you,
for some reason my brain stops functioning.
good news:
i just hit my PR on hack squat,
although it is not that much.
lift heavy,
be cringy.
no one really gives a shit;
and i will give you a hug so big,
that tells you how great
you were, you are, and you will be.
love someone,
not because you want to have them;
but because you want them to be better,
and you become better because of them.
in case you don’t know,
all the “god” mentioned here
is just a third-person perspective that i needed.
i don’t believe in religions because
behind all of it are just humans.
feel free to believe yours but don’t push me to surrender.
see it as faith, fate, destiny or whatsoever.
maybe after all our thoughts would only become a line of words;
but who would know how long it took,
to learn, to think, to experience, and to take the detour
in our lives and boil it down
to essence that is easily understood
in less than 280 characters.
each relationship teaches us something to learn,
if only you were not just a lesson.
when i share my vulnerability,
i do not expect empathy nor sympathy;
i share it in case there is someone
who needs to know
that they are not alone.
and each time i talk about it,
the stronger i grow.
today i saw my therapist,
thinking i was a little sick;
i told her my symptoms
and all the emotions i felt.
she said i was not getting sick,
she said i am just happy;
for i have been depressed for so long
that i am not used to it.
honestly,
i don’t even know whether i am happy,
or i am just coping.
either way,
at least i am still alive and yapping all the way.
you look so tired in front of me all the time.
it makes me wonder,
if you are tired of me,
or you are tired of life.
if it’s the later,
i wish i could stay and bring you happiness;
but if it’s the former,
then i will let go and give my best wishes.
my therapist also said i associate you with happiness;
damn what am i gonna do,
for when i am sad or happy,
i just keep thinking about you.
honestly,
what in the heaven did i see in you,
or maybe it’s just because you are super cool.
